Swelling Itching Brain

A tale and a moral.

The car goes over the finish line - you know, that linear line that almost makes car racing more bearable to watch than watching paint dry on two turtles making whoopie on top of a sun bathing nun. Wrinkles. Gross. Anyway, the car goes over the finish line before the other cars, meaning that it receives the first place prize. “Whoopie,” everyone thinks and does as this boring ass phenomenon reaches its end at last - but wait, what is this? People pause during their waist-to-waist sports in order to view this odd circumstance - it seems that a lima bean was the driver of the first place automotive. Now there is a dilemma. Do we award this lima bean the prize even though the yellowish-ewwy looking ball isn’t human? If we allow this lima bean to accept this prize in this homosapian sporting event, what’s to stop zebras, women, or sharks from competing in these events as well? Did I say women? I didn’t mean that. Really. I meant dingo-eating dragons that can breathe out liquid nitrogen and the souls of penguins that were eaten by otters at the same time and have giant crazy straw horns growing out of their eyes that can use chop sticks to eat the traditional vietnamese noodle soup, pho, like no other. It’s an easy mistake. During this much heated debate, the lima bean decided it had enough and committed suicide in front of national television by eating itself. It was a death of a truly violent nature involving a used plastic spork. Millions of children were excited at the sight and have replaced their usually play time routine of playing “cowboys and indians” to “let’s stab ourselves with sporks and see how much flesh we can gnaw off before an authoritative figure comes and stops us.” Since that day, the lima bean has become a hero of our time because it teaches us that although all men are created equal, other species will never be equal to us - and if they ever try to be, they should just die.